It’s been quite a while since my last post and it’s fair to say I am more than a little rusty. I dare say a great number of us are out of practice in terms of communication skills. The world has changed beyond all recognition in the last 18 months, and so have we. I do admit to being a bit hesitant in returning to ‘normal’ life, not so much because of the pandemic but because I’m not used to having to communicate in person. Hiding behind a screen did, does, have it’s benefits for those of us who are not always able to do so face-to-face with confidence.
I confess these periods of lockdown have created a conflict within me for whilst I am devastated at the suffering and incalculable loss this pandemic has caused, is still causing, I have found solace in solitude. I am appreciating being invisible, not being open to the scrutiny of others and experiencing the anxiety that sense of scrutiny comes with. I wonder how many other people are having those same thoughts as the vaccines take hold and we are permitted more freedoms?
This pandemic has taught us all something about our humanity as it has brought out the worst and the best in people, and it has taught me I must do better, not just wish for it. It really hasn’t taken me to the rip old age of 46 to figure that out, but it has taken these periods of lockdown where you cannot escape yourself to identify the reasons and the excuses that were, are, hurdles to personal advancement. To my shame I have also identified I have a problem with alcohol. I wouldn’t say I was an alcoholic, but I guess that’s exactly what an alcoholic would say. I can see that for a long time I was using alcohol as an excuse because I was, am, afraid of failing. I have failed in the past and quite epically so, but I can’t fail a project if I don’t start it, and I can’t start it if I’m hungover – do you see the logic? Wow, this is turning into quite the confessional – sorry about that. These reflections have helped me regain control of my alcohol intake and have no intention of losing that control ever again.
So, why come back now? I guess I stopped writing as I felt like an imposter writing under the Pseudonym of 40 Something Student, when I stopped being one. Well, my news is that I have returned to my studies. I took the plunge, gave up my career and went back to University full time. It is a sacrifice but it was the right thing to do as I mentioned in a previous post, I was not happy – this probably contributed to my excessive drinking. I’m aware I was in a privileged position to make that jump but I have worked hard to get in that position.
A quote by Mark Twain keeps popping into my mind lately, it goes;
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear –it is not absence of fear.
We can all agree that fear has been in abundance of late, and we have all needed to find our courage to ride out this storm and for what is to come